Many people who live with the ongoing frustration of parenting with an Ex post separation, divorce, or some form of family breakdown, confess to wishing for circumstantial revenge to fall and have their Ex pay — and sometimes not so secretly. It's the one who laughs or celebrates someone else's misfortune, devoid of human compassion.
This is the parent who gains satisfaction when their Ex suffers an anguish of any sorts. The parent who feels superior because their Ex lives at subsistence levels while they succeed in their career justifying this inequality. The parent who fights for their right to claim more of the possessions to teach their Ex a lesson; or the one who wants their Ex in jail because they fail to pay their share of child support; the parent who's pleased when another relationship for the Ex fails, or the parent who smirks when the Ex's poor priorities finally brings calamity and loneliness as its only trophy.
While these sentiments can be understandable when it seems that your schmuck Ex is only capable of living up to one expectation, that being constant disappointment, it has no place inside constructive parenting.
Particularly amused watching the movie It's Complicated where Jane (Meryl Streep) sincerely, yet rather clumsily, says to her close friend how lucky she was that her husband was dead. While her dear friend was left quizzically to ponder how she may be meant to receive such luck, a heart-felt agreement could be felt by all who knew; Jane said what you'd thought for years. When living with the ongoing irritation caused through co-parenting it is easy to believe that if your Ex was no longer in your life, your troubles would indeed melt away, and perhaps it may be easier … but this is not so for your children.
The bond that created life is never broken regardless of any imposed attempts to severe it through living apart or signing a divorce paper deem important. This bond is far bigger than any legal institution could ever conjure up; it's the very fabric of your child's makeup and your child wants to at least be given the opportunity to love, and see good, within the two halves that creates a whole them.
Inconvenience, irritation, constant change, and circumstances not suiting you is part of life in a Complex Family. This is not a sentence to parental failure or personal doom for the rest of your child raising years; this is life with it's gifts carefully wrapped in the paper we've called problems. In the moment that these obstacles arise it is your opportunity to lead your children in their further learning and development of themselves.
Your children watch you to learn how they ought to accept or love the less lovable side of themselves. If you wish your Ex to be met with some ill fate to deal with their character's shadow side, your children learn to loath more deeply this part of themselves. Ironically this is the part that is in need of a greater love-investment than they are currently able to give, and as their parent this is your life-long practice. It's easy to love the lovable bits - any fool can do that - but to love the unlovable aspects of your children (and Ex) is the key.
Handed to you with the gift of parenthood was the great endowment of love; it's like receiving the batteries for a present at Christmas. Usually taken for granted, to use this gift of love fully and wisely is to bring growth and development to the more challenging parts of your child's life — and this includes their other parent. To love your child so fully is to enable them to adjust, heal, and overcome these challenges, granting them the opportunity to live a life of greater abundance and harmony.
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Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
I believe most of us have what it takes to be genuinely great parents; regardless if we have been separated, divorced or attempting to co-parent. More often than not, it is through our efforts to juggle an already rather hectic lifestyle that we neglect some of the most crucial aspects of parenting. Beyond the basic requirements of love, nurturing, food, clothing, shelter, and education, the next layer involves four key elements. These four key elements are: Time, Structure, Stimulation, and Protection. Today's article is to look at Time.
There is a debate amongst those who facilitate parental education that has raged for years - Quantity vs. Quality. These two opinions have been frequently flaunted by those on either side of Mothers Working Outside of the Home argument. The purest believe that children need their mother at home and that the quantity of time spent with them is of paramount importance. The progressive attitudes in defense of the working mother, place weight on the quality of time. Free from judgement either way (as I have done both), I have come to satisfy my requirement for an answer through what I believe is more important than both;
"Wherever You Are, Be There."
Today, more than any time previously known in our history, distraction is our new norm. We will answer phone calls, return text messages, or read a magazine or newspaper while we wait for our coffee to be brought to our table, whilst our child sits alongside, regardless of what side of the Quantity/Quality argument we believe we belong on. Between mobile phones, iPods, and all other forms of screen-based entertainment, we have our attention more focused on those absent, than with those in front of us. To give our children Time is to be Present. It is to value the interaction regardless of how ordinary it may appear.
John is a well-paid senior executive who can provide every new toy imaginable for his kids - and he does. They have the latest and greatest technology money can buy, ranging from personal iPods to full in-home theatre. He is not unlike many diligent, hardworking, and intelligent men; he possess a fatherly desire to be at as many kid's events as his work allows.
Rushing from the office to make the 7:00 p.m. parent-teacher interviews, he greets his boy with a quick hug, asks about his day for a gratuitous 30 seconds, and as he does, automatically reaches into his pocket for his new phone. Proudly giving facts and figures as to its brilliance, how he can now access his work inbox from anywhere, anytime. "Ding." His concentration snaps elsewhere, he immediately texts, and laughs audibly at a reply while sadly his attention has moved to another, and away from his son sitting quietly beside him.
John is perplexed at the teacher's concern for his boy's lack of concentration.
This is alarmingly common; and let's not pretend we don't do it ourselves. Many women take comfort believing they can multitask and therefore excuse themselves, but I beg to offer an alternative opinion. We are no more able to focus on texting and at the same time hold a meaningful conversation with someone in front of us than men are. And our children feel it. Quietly, distraction robs us of opportunities that our present moment offers. Whether we are doing the washing, taxiing kids, writing a thesis, having dinner, or going shopping, be there. Pay attention to whatever it is you are doing and absorb the uniqueness within each instance. When you do this, you will excel in all your doings.
For our children to feel they are valued and important, loved and worthwhile, a simple priority of focus is pivotal. If we are miles away in thought while with our children, the time with them is of little consequence and can be fulfilled by anyone. Have you heard yourself ask the question "How's your day been?", and then be unable to recall the answer. We may even ask it again before we get pulled up by our child for having just told us. How many of us know our children's friends' names? What about what they look like? Would you be able to spot them around the local shops, especially out of school uniform? Have we taken the time to understand what is happening inside their friends' families? The next time you are ready to scold your teen for their dismissive glance towards your friend, ask yourself, do you know theirs?
Our children (especially teens) need our support, wisdom, and guidance as we move through this change in family structure; perhaps they felt too much distance when it didn't really matter to believe we will truly be there for them now that it does. Being There is about focus, attention, and intention. The debate about quantity and quality cannot be settled outside of circumstantial factors, this can only be done at the core of Being Present.
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To find out about the other Key Elements that are essential to raising fantastic children, you can download an excellent eBooklet: Parenting Positions; Key Essentials for Kids.
Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab yourself a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
Speaking poorly of your child's other parent is one of the largest issues overlooked by co-parents - and yet it is one of the easiest for you to resolve. The reasons (or should I say excuses) that it is acceptable to slag off about your Ex to your children are numerous and yet the confusion that it causes in their life is immeasurable.
Every time you diminish your Ex to your children, you diminish your own parenting - and significantly so. To place your children into a position where they could be left to feel they must choose between where their loyalty lies, invites further deadening of life's passions and thirst for creativity. This choice is felt every time you contradict the views held by your Ex. This may have you ask "how do I not contradict when I firmly disagree with them?" This is a very important part of constructively parenting beyond separation. You are entitled to hold different views than you Ex - and often the level of strength with which these are held are the very reason you are now Ex's - so what is the answer?
Unwrapping right and wrong, we reframe situations as being appropriate or inappropriate. Free from judgement about events being right or wrong, basically Events are held as neutral - they just happen - but it is our assessment of the event (usually in context) that gives it a label of being right or wrong. What we do with that judgement is our response and a matter of Choice; we can either be reactive or proactive. This is to say that we either consciously choose our response or we unconsciously react from previous experiences. This will then determine the next Outcome. Event + Choice = Outcome
This means we cease to judge the event, and instead, observe the outcome in context of whether they are appropriate or inappropriate in achieving the initial intension. As you come to understand the reasons for removing right and wrong from your conversations, you'll learn that - regardless of the temptation to do so - using your Ex as an example of what your children should, or should not do, is not only ineffective, it's inappropriate. It sends powerful, yet silent messages that infiltrate their thinking - messages that your children will find challenging to undo in the years to come. Discussion and examination of actions as either appropriate or inappropriate, provided we are constructive, presents a great opportunity to learn.
Here is a case study of this in action: Peter is a particularly neat and tidy sort of person who spent several years in the armed forces and learned discipline and duty. He believes his boys should mimic this orderly behaviour in their bedrooms as a basic household standard. Kim is quite the opposite. She's a happy-go-lucky woman who is far more focused on providing a homely feel to the house, so having stuff left lying around isn't of any consequence to her.
While Peter and Kim were together, their opposing views (while they caused tension) contributed a certain balance to the home. Now that they live apart, this difference has become very apparent. During the routine pick-ups and drop-offs, Peter can't help but notice the chaos. Unable to contain his growing concern about what he believes is a poor parenting standard for his boys, when he gets them into the car he tells them how bad it is that they live in a pigsty. "That's not how it's meant to be. Your rooms should be tidy, clothes put away, and everything cleaned at least once a week." Of course the boys already know this because that's how it is in Dad's house and has been for quite some time.
What Peter has actually told his children is very different from what he thinks he has told them. He has said "Mum is wrong; I am right."
While there may be great merit in orderliness in your children's bedrooms - goodness, we all wish for that - unfortunately, Peter's desire for orderliness is lost through the tone of right and wrong in his delivery. Can you see that his conversation is targeting the circumstantial layer, while the message that is silently sent to his children hits at their belief layer instead? It may affect the situation in Peter's favour in the short-term, but it profoundly affects the children's beliefs for years to come.
By keeping your discussions within the context of appropriate or inappropriate, with a little practice, you can send messages that consistently build constructive beliefs, and still attend to the needs of the moment. There is no reason to ever bad-mouth your Ex, especially in the presence of your children; while it is not always easy to do, it is as simple as making a good choice in each moment. Your children need to learn to love themselves - even their most irritating genetic side.
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Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab yourself a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route. Live in the northern hemisphere? Then grab your copy through www.Amazon.com to save on shipping costs.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
It's normal, it's real, and it's understandable ... so what's the answer? We all think it - and most of us say it when we share children with an Ex who has a new partner. The phrase 'the kids are with me or you - but not her' is equally valid when read "but not him" in place of her however 'her' just seems to be more common so for simplicity sake, I'll write with framing our stepmothers but this certainly does not exclude stepfathers.
You can hear the tone and feel the energy behind these ten powerful words when you read them - and you're not even there! The reasons are plentiful; some even arguably admirable yet as these words come from us, the stage is set for great family division. When this stance is held by a mother, it oozes emotions - and these emotions are unresolved. This does not make any of these deep pangs wrong and neither does it mean there is not a way to work through them. Instead typically this points to the ongoing hurts, a mother's desire to protect, her need for recognition or validation, and so much more than the surface argument over a schedule conflict. It's because this family has not found comfort in extension and thereby continue with ex tension instead.
When you split up and have children, the reality of separation or divorce forces you to give up some of your valuable time with them. It tugs at your heart and can bring out normal divisive attitudes where its very easy for you find a rational argument supporting your cause - the cause being you want your children. It is very easy to feel ripped off because you hear your Ex spent the day at work (progressing his career) while the new stepmother took the children to the zoo - and you believe you would do the same if you had the time with them, or money to do so. It's also normal to become angry and turn this reaction into a topic of hot debate where your Ex is about to get a real earful.
The reality is it doesn't matter if you like or don't like your Ex's new partner - if your children are to have a chance at a healthy Complex Family (one touched by separation, divorce or some form of family breakdown), they need to be given the opportunity to enjoy and thrive in the time they have with their father and his form of home. It is not an easy position for their stepmother either - and whilst you probably don't care about that very much - it is important for you and your children that you begin to broaden your horizons beyond your own view of how family ought to be.
Stepmothers do not want to compete for your mother spot, and neither do they don't want to compete for being a nanny either. Stepmothers simply want to be accepted as someone who is very special to the children's father - and accordingly treated with respect and friendship. They want to be free to have a laugh with your children and likewise give them a good time when they are in their home. Stepmothers want to provide a special environment and home for your children to build their relationship with their father, just as you desire to build in your home for their relationship with you.
The answer to this quandary is to move beyond the rigidness of mother and father's roles and embrace the wider parenting support you have gained through co-parenting. You may not like some things they do, you may not like them as a person, but your children's other parent has chosen them and this means this is enough of a reason to respect their choices and support your children while they learn how to handle whatever this relationship brings.
The African proverb Niyimpa kor ntsetse ba; "It takes an entire village to raise a child" is never more true than in relation to Complex Family's stepparents. They provide strong advantages for your children regardless how much you agree or disagree with their style - because if nothing else, it provides a live-in example for your children make choices about what they want, or do not want for themselves.
So next time your Ex strides off somewhere and leaves their partner to look after your children, count your blessings and enjoy the time you have away from them. Find an ounce of gratitude for the effort being made by a willing stepparent instead of finding fault for what you believe is wrong or for what you are missing out on. This valuable time is better spent doing something for yourself to recharge your batteries for the week ahead, rather than heaping more coals onto an already smoldering fire.
It may not be long before you find a stunning stepfather who wants to give you a special day out while he takes your children to the zoo...
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Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab yourself a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route. Live in the northern hemisphere? Then grab your copy through www.Amazon.com to save on shipping costs.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
Statistically, the effects of divorce on our society are difficult to prove although there are figures bandied around. What we do know is that some people go on and have far better lives and some don't. For majority however, we can say divorce carved its mark on our life and we live with it for the rest of our days - for better or worse.
If our marriage born children into the world, the effects of this choice are certainly going to live on longer than just ourselves. Given our rather poor track record society-wide when it comes to dealing with these sorts of relationships issues and family breakdowns, we need to find an answer to this very normal and large problem.
Our children are innocent. As parents we know this to be true and yet we often rely upon childhood resilience to be a comfort that our children will survive the fall out. While children are often resilient, it is not a sufficient strategy to raise well adjusted adults. A particularly pertinent question: If kids adjust, why are there so many dysfunctional adults? The simple answer is most don't. Instead our children modify behaviour, change expectations, absorb patterns, shut down, and become resigned to situations that are beyond their ability to solve. It could be better said, children get used to it, reconcile, alter, and rearrange; this is far from coming to terms with it. While outwardly they may appear to adjust, perhaps inwardly it would be more accurate to say they cope: that's a strategy that underlies personal survival.
So while we relish in supporting our children to adjust, we do this by leading them to gain the tools and knowledge that is needed for this adjustment to happen in a healthy manner. One way we do this is a shift from what has become normal.
The most common terms used to describe a family that has been touched by separation, divorce or some form of family breakdown is Broken Home or Split Family. While this is traditionally very accurate, if it leaves our children believing that something needs to be fixed, put back together or made whole … we need to change this. It is not necessary for our homes to be broken, nor for our families to be split any longer. Mother and father may not live together and indeed our family structure altered, but there can be greater harmony when co-parenting is done well, including much loved stepparents.
To move beyond the Broken Home or Split Family paradigm we need to change terminology and give our children another phrase to describe their new family structure. A term that is free of judgement; neither good nor bad, advantaged nor disadvantaged, split nor whole, broken nor together, right nor wrong - it only describes what is. This new term is a Complex Family. It's when our family portrait no longer sits comfortably within a traditional photo frame.
Despite all our differences, most will agree that since separation life is a tad more complex. Relationships, schedules, discipline, expectations, holidays, pets, schooling ... you name it; it's no longer simple.
To lift the grey cloud that subtly influences our children, who are innocently trapped within an adult drama, we remove any chance they may feel disadvantaged or handicapped by their parents decisions. It is true that many children believe they are partially responsible for their parents split - as inconceivable as it is to both the parting parents. To genuinely demonstrate a family environment where divorce is an event that occurred in its history, without acrimony for years to come, we need to give our children the best start to their own life journey as possible. Become a healthy Complex Family today.
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Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab yourself a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route. Live in the northern hemisphere? Then grab your copy through www.Amazon.com to save on shipping costs.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
The choice is yours ... this is how you make it. The importance of the choices you make when your marriage ends through which children were born into this world, becomes more apparent as time continues to march forward. Each step takes us down one of two pathways - acrimony or harmony.
Time would have us believe it heals or erodes our chances for change, however mercifully, we are still granted our freedom of choice. This choice is where we choose to have the best relationship with our Ex as possible at any time - and now is that time.
Let's take a peek inside the effects of the choices to see why we should even attempt harmony over the normal acrimony.
The statistics tell us children from split families are five times more likely to be poor. They are more likely to drop out of school early; they are more likely to be in trouble with the law; and they are also more likely to become teen parents. They are more likely to become divorced; and finally, as a result of all this, they are more likely to die before the average age from ill health. These are the facts and are very good reasons to start making choices that place you on the harmony highway.
As a parent you are responsible for your children's welfare; this includes food, shelter, and clothing; likewise it's easily expanded to include education, love and wellbeing. The mention of love and wellbeing invites some less tangibles areas to come into view, and if you choose to expand upon them, it may well open up some ideas that make you feel quite uncomfortable. Often busy and overwhelmed to fully engaged in their purpose or meaning, when dealing with the Ex, the interpretation of what is best for the children becomes complicated - sometimes leaving us feel that it is insurmountable. However this is not how it has to be.
The heavy dark door of broken homes and split families is a reality that you can choose to turn your back on and walk away from. The circumstances and structure of your family is not what creates the broken or split aspect; it is the attitude you carry whilst you parent after matrimony that fulfills it.
Once the point of termination has come, all the excuses, reasons, and justifications are a matter only for you to answer or decide upon. Sure, there are the facts and there will be the sea of very real emotion that you will journey through; some of it maybe heartbreak, betrayal, and revenge. Some of it maybe guilt, relief and anger; but one thing for sure, if you're a parent, none of this belongs inside the relationship of parenting your children going forward.
Your children deserve to be given every opportunity to love both parents fully - although uniquely - and wholeheartedly; a love free from your negative influence. (There are cases where children need to be protected from physical, sexual and emotional abuse - and this is not included as part of this writing.) Any interference from you to block the genuine flow of relationship between your child and your Ex is both cruel and manipulative. The majority of parents who walk the acrimony path, sadly take their relationship issues and subtly (or not) use their children to inflict further hurt and pain onto each other; it's addictive and destructive but it's highly effective. This tactic will cut any parent to the core - and hence it becomes an alluring route to walk down for those who are in avoidance of taking personal responsibility for being a parent.
To become an Ex who chooses the pathway of harmony, it does not mean that you are not without hurt, betrayal or heartbreak. It doesn't mean you agree with your Ex, nor with what they have done or not done. This means you decide to keep all the relationship issues outside of the parent relationship and protect your family in its changed structure.
When you do this, you will begin to grow a Complex Family instead of a broken home or split family. When you do this, you become a healthy role model for your children to learn how to have disagreements without fighting. You'll live the reality of unity within diversity and this will give your children the strategies, and the development of character they need for their own adult lives.
To do this, take the time to protect what little good you have in your relationship. There must have been something between you at some stage, (you made babies together) even if it seems very dim right now; find one positive, constructive, or at least cooperative aspect you can focus on in your Ex and build this single point into a strength between you.
While you do not spend as much time together now, it's advantageous for your children to feel an atmosphere of respect and friendliness between you when you are in each others presence. As challenging as this may seem to do right now, if you do not do it, you are asking your children to cope with their family structure rather than offering them the opportunity to fully adjust as they develop and grow within it.
To start to do this, you only have to treat your Ex the way you wish for them to treat you; respectful and friendly. This is not about your history together - this is now and going forward! Start to walk with little baby steps down the harmony highway instead of taking huge bounding paces down to the acrimony arcade. The more you practice through making each constructive small choice, one at a time, the easier you will find these choices become - it's worth it because your children are worth it.
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Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab yourself a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route. Live in the northern hemisphere? Then grab your copy through www.Amazon.com to save on shipping costs.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
This is one of the most common comments heard when talking with people about an Ex. Those of us who are parents and inside a Complex Family often have an Ex, and we normally believe it is near impossible to get on with them. Let's face it, it didn't work when we were married or partners, so why would it now? But it needs too - if only for the kid's sake!
It doesn't matter what age our children are (including adult-children) our kids have two parents. The two parents are people they have the right to love as they choose and not as we want them to. If the Ex is really that difficult, our kids will work it out soon enough. It is not our job to help them see the flaws in our Ex, it is our job to help them learn how to deal with flaws when they naturally discover them. Think about it, if roles were reversed what would you like to have happen?
Most parents will talk about some weekends away when your kids come back with stories which make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. This doesn't mean that we need to make it all wrong, it doesn't mean we react to something we judge as stupid or foolish. Sometimes the most sincere mouth-piece will still leave out vital perspective, and do not underestimate how they could say things just to get a point across because they know it winds us up. Further still, sometimes our kids are just telling a story and we need to lighten up and let it go.
Parents are parents - typically doing the best with all we have. Even adult children would rather be able to mouth-off at us about the frustrations with our Ex and have us stay relatively neutral. They would prefer to be given the freedom to voice at someone who knows without suddenly being in a position where they are compelled to defend the very one they want to complain about.
A point worth noting: There is one thing about being a parent that we will all do - stuff up from time to time. We have all had our days where we've torn a strip of a kid for losing the 5th pair of shoes in three months, only to later realise it wasn't anything to do with them. We've all made poor judgement calls and our kids have also worn the brunt of the frustration. It's not their job to become judge and jury about who is right and wrong when it comes to their parent's worlds. They want the opportunity to have it as - it just is. Half the time they cannot be bothered taking sides or getting all ferocious about the differences because it's not their problem.
It affects our children if we continue to hold the view that we have the worst Ex. The Ex may be a complete pain, but provided what they are doing is not life-threatening, seriously emotionally or physically damaging, it's best to do all you can to make the relationship work. A way of doing this is no negative comments - regardless! It's a tough pill to swallow sometimes but it's a potent one. It allows your children to be truly free to feeling their own sense, rather than only hearing what you are telling them.
So when it comes to the Ex, even if you are struggling to let go, it's best to leave them to live their own life and you turn, focus on living yours. It is a true display of character to be supportive of your Ex when they've stuffed up and the kids tell you about it (and they do!). Just smile, knowing that you are now Ex's to each other.
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Whether you are at the beginning of this journey, or a little further down the track and have been parenting with an Ex for a while, grab yourself a copy of 'Parenting with the Ex Factor'. It is over 400 pages and is a practical and real 'How To' guide for parents; it answers over 60 FAQs that builds a strong platform for you to form your Complex Family, instead of taking the normal split family or broken home route. Live in the northern hemisphere? Then grab your copy through www.Amazon.com to save on shipping costs.
Warmest :o)
Jill Darcey
